Ucharted Territory
by teamteganyeah
Summary: Sara's been having confusing thoughts about her own sexuality. Can she figure it all out with the help of her friends and family?
1. Chapter 1

Sara's P.O.V.

I chew my pen and tap my notebook with calloused fingers. My knees are brought up to my chest, supporting the empty pages in front of me. I should be working on a new song, but instead I find my mind wandering. Ever since I finished reading a book on the psychology of sexuality that Emy lent me, I've been spending more and more time thinking about the subject. And once my mind starts turning, I always find myself reeling with confusing thoughts. Is anyone _really_ one hundred percent gay or straight? What determines attraction, anyways? Is it possible to be attracted to someone on only an emotional level, or only on a sexual one? What if I found myself attracted to someone I'm not _supposed_ to, or had never seen myself with before? What would be the right thing to do?

I rip myself out of my circular thought patterns and blush bright red. I'd been staring straight at Rob's crotch the entire time without realizing it. How embarrassing. Luckily, he doesn't seem to have noticed, as he's absorbed in a music magazine. I take the pen out of my mouth to inspect the damages. Great. Half of my favorite pen is practically gnawed off, I haven't made any progress on the song I've been trying to write, and I've caught myself visually accosting my band-mate's crotch.

"Sara, come on. It's time to play the show." Tegan's voice comes from above me, and I look up an a daze. She smiles down at me warmly, and grabs my hand to drag me out of the backstage room. Our fifteen minutes of quite time before the show is over, and I find Tegan and I are the only ones left in the room. As we're leaving, Tegan squeezes past me through the narrow door, causing our chests to brush together briefly. A prickling shock runs through my entire body, especially through the one place it definitely shouldn't. I freeze to the spot, my whole face burning with shock. Tegan, a few steps ahead and apparently oblivious, turns to face me.

"Sar, are you ok? Hurry up, they're waiting for us." I follow her to the stage in a confused daze, trying not to let myself think about what just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N; I'm aware of the fact the Shaun has a lovely wife, but for the sake of this fic, I'm choosing to ignore her existence. The main reason is because I can't see Sara kissing anyone who's married, no matter how drunk or confused she is.  
**  
It would be too easy. With just a few words I could invite Shaun into my room and settle this once and for all. I become lost in my hazy thoughts. Would sleeping with Shaun help me quell the confusion whirling through my mind and body, or would it just worsen and complicate the situation?

The cab jerks to a halt, and after paying, the driver shouts at us to hurry up and get out. Shaun  
and I both stumble out of the cab barely a moment before it speeds off, hopefully into a nasty traffic jam. We hustle into the hotel from the dark street, coming to a stop before our respective rooms across from each other, hesitating in the narrow hallway. The yellow and white striped wallpaper is peeling slightly, and the light hanging from the low ceiling flickers like it's made of nervous fireflies.

"Well... I guess we should-"  
"Do you want to hang out in my room?" Shaun says, speaking the same time as me on chance. We both look away and chuckle nervously.  
"Look, Shaun. I don't think that's such a good idea."  
"Sara- I said hang out, and I mean hang out. Nothing else. I'm not going to try anything." I feel hesitant, but take a step toward him as he's jimmying the key of his door. He raises his caterpillar eyebrows at me and holds the door open. "Come on. Making a move on my boss is career suicide. Besides... you could take me." I chuckle, unable to hold back a smile, and exit the hallway into Shaun's room.

The first thing I notice is that Shaun's room is identical to mine. It's bare- a small table next to a bed with clean white sheets, and an old TV on a rickety wooden stand across from it. There are plenty of beautiful hotels in India, none of which we could afford on our last minute budget.

Shaun sits on his bed and pats the spot next to him. Before I can control my reaction, I look frantically around for another seating option, but I know there isn't one. Shaun gives a frustrated sigh and gets up from his perch, offering it to me.  
"There. You sit."  
"Thank you." I mutter guiltily and smooth the sheet out of habit before sitting on it.  
"I can see you don't trust me. I don't know why, but-"  
"No. Don't think that. It's myself I don't trust."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know."  
"Why did you kiss me?"  
"I-I don't know."  
"Jesus, Sara! Just talk, please. Just tell me what's going on."  
"I can't."  
"Whatever it is, I won't judge or laugh, I promise."  
"Shaun... please don't- It's nothing, really."  
"Bullshit. Don't feed me that 'it's nothing line'. You may be my boss, but we've been friends long enough for me to know something is wrong."  
"I've been having some... confusing thoughts about you... and Tegan. I read this book about psychology and sexuality, and it just sort of... jumbled up my thoughts and feelings and now I don't even know what I want anymore." my resolve breaks on the last few words, the tears I'd been containing spilling over. I look down and close my eyes tight, willing the pathetic tears away. I feel ashamed and guilty. I feel silly for having these thoughts at the age of 30 instead of 13 like most people.

Suddenly, amid my spiraling thoughts, I feel Shaun sit next to me and wrap his arms around me gently. At first I stiffen and begin to pull away, but after a few moments, I lean against his chest, feeling his strong, calloused hands on my arm and the back of my neck. He smells like I remember Bruce used to when Tegan and I were little and he'd scoop one of us up in each arm and swing us around until we were both dizzy and felt like we were flying somewhere far away. This is what I remember as I shamelessly cling to my bandmate and let my breathing even out and my tears come to a stop, drying on my red, sticky face.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, but still don't move away. Shaun doesn't seem to mind, moving his thumb up and down, caressing my arm absentmindedly.  
"Don't be. I'm not. That's what friends are for." He pulls away and kisses my forehead lightly. I sniff and tilt my head up so our lips our inches apart. I close my eyes and feel Shaun's lips on my cheek and then finally, my lips. It's a slow and tender kiss, but it quickly shifts into more dangerous territory, our faces mashing together, desperate to drink in more of each other.

Shaun pulls away, breathing hard. I send him a questioning, slightly pleading look and he shakes his head fervently, unable to catch is breath.  
"No... I promised... Not tonight. Not while you're upset and confused like this." I nod my head and kiss his lips faintly so they're barely touching. It's a small, tentative kiss; a promise of more to come in the future.  
"Do you want me to walk you back to your room?"  
"No. I... I don't want to sleep alone tonight." I look away at how pathetic and stupid that came out. Not how I intended it to at all. However, Shaun nods understandingly and lies down on his bed, patting the spot next to him like he'd done before. This time, I eagerly fill the space with my tired body, slinging an arm around his chest and letting my head rest on his shoulder. Shaun takes a deep bracing breath and pulls the chain on the lamp next to his bed, extinguishing the only light in the small room. 


	3. Chapter 3

I groggily open my eyes and close them immediately to the blinding light around me; someone has opened the blinds of the small window. My throat feels hoarse and my face tight and in need of a good washing. I sit up, realizing I'm not in my own room and looking around for Tegan.  
Shaking my head I remember I'm in Shaun's room. The dream that had made me think Tegan would be in the room slips out of my mind like water through an archaeologist's grated sieve.  
What sounds like an animal's slow death screaming makes me jump in surprise and fear. I look around in alarm until I realize it's Shaun singing in the shower. Laughing to myself, I shakily get out from under the sheets, discovering I'm not wearing a shirt or pants. I must've kicked them off in the night. I scamper around in my underwear to the other side of the bed where my clothes had fallen the night before. As I slip my shirt over my head and zip up my jeans hastily, I don't wonder at all why I had stripped in my sleep. The heat is oppressive, and though I've just woken up sweat has already started to form on my neck.  
I flick my cell phone on and sit on the rumpled sheets. I see It's late- already past 10. I also see I have about a million missed calls from Tegan. Sighing to myself, I dial her number.

"Hello? Sara?"  
"Yeah it's me."  
"Where the hell are you! You left your room key with me last night, and I thought you got a copy from the lobby but when I went to check you weren't there and your phone was off, so I left your key at the front desk."  
"I'm... I'm in Shaun's room."  
"That bastard. I can't believe they gave him a room with two beds. Is he turning into a diva or something? I mean you'd think-"  
"Tegan, stop ranting. He got the same room as everyone else. The same room... with one bed." I say with a guilty sigh. Tegan is silent for a long time, as if attempting to do long division in her head. "Tegan? You still there?"  
"Yes I'm still here. Don't change the subject. Are you telling me you slept in the same bed as Shaun last night? Did you even know I had your room key?"  
"No, but-"  
"What the hell, Sara! You can't just sleep with out band mates! I don't care how drunk you were, that's really fucking stupid!"  
"I didn't sleep with him! We sort just slept in the same bed. That's it"  
"He's a guy! Lesbians just don't sleep in guys beds! I mean... you're gay. We're gay... I thought that was established."  
"I-I thought it was too."  
"Does this have anything to do with the advice I gave you last night?"  
"Yes... kind of."  
"Well Jesus Christ! I told you to go outside of your comfort zone a bit, not sleep in Shaun's bed!"  
"It's none of your business. Why are you so upset anyways?"  
"What a stupid question."  
"I'll just hang up if you're going to insult me, Tegan."  
"I'm sorry. I guess it's between you and Shaun. We're meeting the tour guides down in the lobby in 20 minutes, and we're leaving in groups of two. I thought you and I could go together?"  
"I think Shaun and I are probably going to be a bit late. I haven't even showered yet. Why don't you tell one of the guides to wait up and we can just catch up with you guys for lunch."  
"Fine, whatever. I'll text you and tell you where we're meeting." Before I can say goodbye, Tegan's hung up. I place the phone in my pocket and bury my face in my hands.

Shaun bursts out from the bathroom on a cloud of steam, humming to himself slightly. My face flushes dark crimson as I find I'm far from unaffected by the fact that he's wearing nothing but a hotel towel slung around his waist. Before I let my eyes wander too far south, I turn my back to him and cough politely.  
"Oh, Sara! You're still here." I can hear the smile and obvious surprise behind his voice.  
"Yeah. Umm... Tegan called. Everyone's meeting down in the lobby in a few minutes with the tour guides. I told her we'd be a bit late."  
"Do you want to shower in here?"  
"No... I'll just go get my key. Tegan left it at the front desk last night."  
"You don't have to. I've already got the warm water going, and we're already running late."  
"A-alright. Thank you." I titter anxiously, getting up and hightailing for the bathroom, trying to keep my eyes off of Shaun's exposed body. Gasping in surprise when I feel his hand burning on my shoulder, I spin around.  
"I can get your key from the lobby if you want."  
"Thanks, Shaun." I say smiling brightly. "Hey, would you mind getting me some clean clothes as well? My suitcase is under the bed." I say it casually, as if it's a completely normal thing to ask of a friend. And maybe it is, but those lines have been blurred so much in the past 24 hours, that it's hard for me to judge where we stand.  
"S-sure. No problem." I smile and slip into the bathroom, sighing heavily as I crank on the hot water. I can't stand a cold shower even in the most deathly heat. I slip off my dirty clothes and step into the shower, trying not to picture the body that had been standing under the same stream of water minutes ago...

Later-

I think I'm getting Dejavu. Here we both are again, standing in the hallway in front of both of our rooms. Lunch is sitting heavily in our bellies and everyone else in our party has retired to their respective rooms for a much-needed afternoon nap before the show tonight-our last one before departing in the morning for New Zealand. The room rightfully belonging to me feels foreign and cold as I lean back against its door.  
"Would you sleep better in my room?" Shaun asks, his low voice barely a whisper floating across the hall.  
"No. I'm a big girl. I can sleep in my own bed." I mutter and turn on my heel, fishing my key out from my pocket and bringing it to the old fashioned keyhole. I hesitate for a few long, silent moments seemingly unable to move my hand and open the door.  
"Then why are you hesitating?" I feel Shaun walk towards me, stopping just short behind me.  
"Why are you still standing there?" I counter, my voice raising from its previous whisper.  
"Because... I don't want you to go." Shaun embraces me from behind, resting his chin lightly on the top of my head. My right hand clenches around the cool metal of my room key and my other instinctually reaches to rest over his own. Opening my my mouth to tell him to go, I feel the words catch in my throat as Shaun places a soft kiss on my scalp. I spin around his loose grip to face him.  
Shaun; gentle, careful, patient Shaun moves closer still, pinning me against the door behind me and stoops down to kiss me. Hard. The longing and desire simmer just below his furiously moving mouth, and shock and heat run through me as the kiss grows rougher, our lips clashing together messily. I find that I can't pretend I don't want it anymore- every nerve in my body is screaming to reach out and touch Shaun. So I do, clasping both hands behind his neck and pulling his lips impossibly closer to mine. My face starts to grow hot, and we're kissing so desperately and so feverishly that I fear our lips could melt together and never come apart again. And at this point I'm not sure that would be such terrible thing.  
Shaun's hands move up from my waist to tease the undersides of my breasts as he trails his lips down to suck hard on my sensitive neck. A barely muffled moan tears its way past my lips as I let my head thud back against the door behind me.  
"You can't tell me you don't want this." Shaun breathes in my ear, sending a shiver trickling down my spine. I turn my head away and feel my brow knit in confusion. Where the hell did these feelings come from?  
"Wait... wait. Let me think. Let me breathe." At my words, Shaun backs up against the opposite wall as if he's been burned. A small sigh reaches my ears, and I hear him fishing in his pocket for his room key. "I said wait a second... I didn't want you to go." He freezes his motions and turns around slowly as I continue to jimmy the key in my door. "Come on." I murmur, piercing his far away gaze, then turn to walk inside, hoping he's trailing behind me.  
Once we're both inside, I shut and lock the door behind us and extend both of my arms slowly. Shaun gladly accepts the offer, enveloping my in a tight, clinging hug. Closing my eyes, I allow myself to breathe deeply, inhaling his familiar, comforting scent and relaxing in his grip.  
"We don't have to do anything, Sara. I-I shouldn't have been so rough." Shaun whispers a few minutes into the hug, neither of us willing to part.  
"No." I say softly but resolutely. "You were right. I want this. I want you, and I'm not going to lie to you or myself anymore."  
"Are you sure? Do you trust me?"  
"Yes. Completely. Just kiss me, ok?" Shaun gives an almost imperceptible nod and brings his lips against mine again with no further hesitation. It's funny; before yesterday night, I hadn't kissed a guy since my early teens and hadn't given a thought to doing it again after I started dating women. Now, I've come to crave Shaun's lips on mine, and am more accustomed to the feel of the intimate gesture when it comes.  
Shaun's lips move against mine more aggressively, and the feel of his tongue working expertly against mine sends my head spinning even more than last night. His hands grasp at my hips and start to pull them into his, establishing a slow rhythm. In response, I dig my fingernails into his shoulders through the fabric of his t-shirt and feel the deep vibrations of Shaun's moan in my mouth.  
With a grunt of passion and effort, he picks me up and grinds even harder into my jeans, his cock rock hard and straining against its denim confines as he thrusts against me. I can feel my body start to heat up and a whimper escape my lips as I wrap my legs around his narrow waist and push my hips to meet his, desperate for more friction.  
"Wait... stop. L-let me down." I manage to squeak through heavy pants. As Shaun obeys and lets me slide to the floor, my body starts coming back from where it was headed way too soon.  
"I-I'm sorry. I got a bit c-carried away." Shaun stammers, his face flushing beet red. He turns around and covers his crotch with his hand in embarrassment.  
I take the two steps towards Shaun and wrap my arms around his midsection. Brushing over his toned stomach, I gently hitch his shirt up until he complies and lifts his arms up for me to remove it. I toss the shirt into a wrinkled heap on the floor and run both hands over the sinewy muscles of Shaun's back. Bringing my lips to rest just below his shoulder, I kiss his skin gingerly.  
I feel Shaun relax and his chest expand as he sighs and dips his head back slightly. In response, I reach up to run my hand over his exposed neck and collar bones before palming a hard nipple on his chest. Shaun voice seems to deepen considerably as he lets out a low, raspy moan. As I pinch the nipple beneath my palm, I reach my free hand down to lightly grasp Shaun's shame through his jeans, jumping as I feel it twitch slightly against my palm.  
I remove my hands and body from Shaun's, the throbbing wetness soaking through my panties becoming too much to bear. Ripping off my shirt and flinging it on the floor, I lay back against the pillows of my immaculately made bed, beckoning Shaun with a curled finger.  
"Come here." I say, reaching behind myself to discard my bra. Shaun, obedient as always, wastes no time at all crawling on top of me, kissing me briefly but deeply before ravishing my neck and reaching down to unbutton my jeans and slide them down my trembling thighs. He runs steadying hands over them as he slips out of his own pants and underwear.  
Shaun comes back up, kissing my breast gently before flicking a nipple with a tentative tongue. I gasp and clutch a hand behind his head as I squirm beneath him.  
"Please... please, Shaun." I beg as Shaun starts to rub my soaking wet pussy through my drenched panties. He removes them, peeling the material away from my body and chucking them carelessly over his shoulder. Shaun inhales deeply, his face hovering inches away from my pulsing clit. I can't take it anymore. I roughly grab his head with both hands and push his mouth straight into my wetness, groaning and jerking my hips up frantically when his warm tongue finally makes contact.  
Shaun moans into me and laps quickly through my folds, gathering as much liquid as possible. Impatient as ever, I guide his head directly up to my clit and yelp when his tongue finally makes contact with the most sensitive part of my body. My pulse races frantically through my body as Shaun moves down to plunge his tongue as far as he can inside my pulsing walls before coming back up to suck rhythmically on my swollen button. I explode, groaning, cursing, and desperately bucking my hips onto Shaun's mouth.  
As my cum coats Shaun's face, he sighs in contentment and slides up my sweating body to kiss me deeply. Grunting in lust, I return the kiss eagerly, rubbing and probing my tongue against his so I can taste more of myself.  
I know he still hasn't gotten off, and there's no doubt in my mind that he's past dying by now. Bearing this in mind, I wrap my legs around his waist and pull his groin down into mine. I cry out loudly as I feel his hard cock rub against my clit.  
"Ah... oh, god. Stop, wait."  
"What?" I manage to ask through heavy breaths.  
"I'll get a condom."  
"Oh shit I forgot." I say guiltily, shaking my head. I'm so used to sleeping with women and throwing caution to the wind that protection didn't even cross my mind. "Do you have to go back to your room?"  
"No. I keep one in my wallet for emergencies." Shaun gets up from the bed and roots around for his pants on the floor. I hear a wrapper being torn open and close my eyes in embarrassment, slipping under the soft, downy covers.  
In a few moments, Shaun's warm body slides under the covers next to mine.  
"It's all taken care of?" I whisper, peeking up at Shaun from under the blankets.  
"Yeah. Are you ready?"  
"Yes. But first could I... could I-" the question is far too embarrassing, so I use my body, feeling down the muscles of Shaun's chest and move down until I reach his dick, still standing to attention. I tentatively reach out to touch it before wrapping my hand around the thick shaft and moving up and down slowly, loving the sound of Shaun's groans beside me. Suddenly, Shaun grunts loudly and places his hand on mine. Confused, I open my mouth in question before Shaun speaks.  
"I-I just didn't want it to be over yet."  
"God, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were..."  
"It's fine." Shaun says and rolls on top of me. "It's just... I only have one condom, so..."  
"Well, we'll just have to get some more, won't we?" I say and pull him down to hiss me. He works his lips against mine quickly and passionately, and as Shaun palms one of my breasts, I quickly feel my desire start to rise again.  
"Now." I pant in Shaun's ear "Do it now." Before he can react, my hand is on his cock again, this time positioning it towards my dripping entrance as I wrap my legs around his waist and push down.  
A loud gasp escapes my parted lips as I feel the head start to push slowly inside. The feeling is so much more intense than with a cold, foreign strap on. I wrap my arms around Shaun shoulders, and he takes over, moving forward slowly.  
I whimper and tense up as a flash of pain flies through me.  
"Are you ok?" Shaun asks.  
"Yes... yes just keep going."  
"I'll go slowly. Just tell me if you're hurting."  
"Ok. I will." I promise and close my eyes, trying to relax and loosen up. I let my legs fall on either side of Shaun's body, bringing my knees up and trying to open up as much as possible. Shaun presses onwards, grunting slightly when his skin hits mine- he's all the way in. Pleasure floods through me.  
"Are you ok?" Shaun says in a deep voice that I can tell he's struggling to keep level.  
"Yes. Oh my god, yes. Please... move." I moan softly in Shaun's ear, urging him onwards. He obliges, withdrawing almost completely before plunging back in deeply with a low groan. As he picks up speed, I can't contain my moans anymore, and my hips rise off of the bed with every thrust,  
"Shaun... mphh- yes. Harder!" I cry, moving my hands to grip Shaun's back, and pulling him into me roughly. He cries out loudly and takes the hint, ramming into me, our skin coming together rapidly. With every thrust forward, a sharp pulse of ecstasy rushes through me, and both of our moans increase in intensity.  
"Oh god, Shaun...unngh, faster!"  
"Like that?" asks Shaun, out of breath,  
"Yes- shit! Just like that!" I'm gripping his back now, my hips bucking wildly, trying to get more of him inside of me. I'm so close I can feel my orgasm building in my lower stomach.  
"Sara... Sara! Fuck I'm gonna cum!" Shaun shakes violently, releasing inside of me. In return, I cry out and bite down into Shaun's neck, my whole body overcome with the intense feeling of my orgasm.  
Shaun pulls out and collapses next to me, the sound of our harsh and heavy breathing sounding all around us. Shaun reaches down and takes off the soiled condom, reaching over to discard it in the waste basket by the bed. I cling to him and kiss his neck before he kisses my forehead. I feel a tear slide down from his face and land on mine, and I look up in silent question.  
"Sara...I love you."  
"You're great, Shaun. You're sweet and amazing and caring and...everything. But I'm just not there yet."  
"I understand."  
"We've got an hour before sound check. Wake me up?"  
"I'll set the alarm."


	4. Chapter 4

Rated: T  
Word Count: 2,126

I'm being led by my hand down a long hallway. Looking over at my companion, I discover it's Tegan. Seeing my see her seems to ignite her anger, and she strides faster, dragging me along behind her. I try to pry my fingers from her tight grasp, but to no avail. She just walks faster, her sneakers pounding the linoleum beneath us with a vengeance.  
Finally, we reach a door. Tegan opens it and gives me a rough push forward, sending me stumbling over my own feet.  
"Surprise!" a loud cacophony of cheerful noise surrounds me. Looking around, I see a myriad of familiar faces; my mom, Aunt Julie, both of my grandparents, Bruce and Emy, all looking bright and happy to see me. Even Tegan's expression has softened a bit. Streamers hang from the ceiling, and I look down to see the floor littered with confetti. Everyone seems to be gathered around a small table with a giant cake, paper plates, and a large collection of gifts sporting bright, reflective wrapping paper.  
"What are all of you doing here?" I ask as my mom hugs me and fastens a conical party hat on my head. I look over at the table and see Emy cutting out a piece of the cake.  
"We're here to congratulate you, Sara!" cries Julie before blowing a festive noise maker. "You've found love and we're all so happy for you!"  
"Wait a second. Not so fast." I start to say, but Emy has cornered me and is feeding me cake. I swallow the sickly sweet stuff quickly and swat her hand away in annoyance. "What are you talking about? I'm not in love."  
"Why of course you are dear." says my grandmother with a comforting smile. I realize I haven't seen her in years, so I run up to hug her tightly, and then do the same to my grandfather. I'm excited to see everyone I love all in one place, but something seems wrong. "You just had to find the right man. We all knew you'd eventually normalize."  
"W-wait…normalize?"  
"Yeah. Now that you're out of that silly phase of yours, you can be just like everybody else." I turn around to see the source of the voice is Bruce. He steps towards me and wraps me in a tight hug, but I push him away and quickly back up from my eerily smiling family, accidentally bumping into Tegan. She reels in disgust and spits at my feet.  
"Traitor." She hisses and stalks to the opposite side of the room. Mom bustles over to me and puts her arm around my shoulders, restraining me from going after my sister.  
"Don't let her upset you, Sara. She's just jealous she can't be more like you."  
"I really don't think that's why she's upset. Let me go help her, mom."  
"Emy!" barks my mom into the crowd of friends and family. "Come over here to congratulate Sara." Emy obediently shuffles over, cake still in her hands.  
"Emily dear, why don't you talk with Sara while I take care of Tegan?" says my mother and strides off.  
"Sara, it's so nice to see you here!"  
"You too. Hey umm… why didn't everyone throw a party like this when we were together?"  
"Oh that's a silly question. We all realized you're straight, so we threw you a reverse coming out party."  
"I'm not straight! Is this about Shaun?"  
"Yes, it is about him, and I'm really happy for you both. Now I understand why our marriage failed. It's not that either of us were unlovable, it's just that you were incapable of loving me because of your orientation."  
"Jesus, Emy, I'm not straight. You of all people should know that. I'm a lesbian!"  
"Sara, don't make a scene. We all knew the truth all along, especially me. Why do you think I got you that book?"  
"I… I thought-"  
"So, have you and Shaun set a date yet?"  
"Wait… wait. I'm gay, everyone! I'm not straight! That's not who I am! Why won't any of you believe me?"  
"Sara… sara!" Everyone starts converging on me, their faces all taking on the same terrible form. They're closing in on me… I can't breathe-

-  
"Sara… SARA!" I feel strong arms shaking me. "Wake up!" It's Shaun's voice, pulling me out of the pool of drowsiness beneath me. I start to come awake, but the red, pulsing panic is still expanding rapidly in my throat. I still can't breathe. My mouth and eyes are forced open as I try desperately to gather oxygen into my seizing lungs.  
"Puffer… top… pocket… suitcase." I manage to choke out. Shaun acts fact, springing from the bed buck naked and rifling through my suitcase under the bed. He rushes back to my side with the inhaler clutched in his hand and brings it to my inflamed face.  
Shaun keeps his hand on mine as I press the button and feel my lungs expand with the gratifying coolness of the medication coursing down my inflamed throat.  
When the attack has subsided, I cling to Shaun and tell him every detail of my horrible dream.  
"I think you may have some internalized heterophobia, Sara." Shaun says after a long stretch of contemplative silence. I laugh lightly as his words and kiss his neck from my position resting on his shoulder. "No, but I'm serious. It's a huge transition for anyone. I understand."  
"You keep saying that, but how could you possibly understand?"  
"Well… I never told you this- it was way before I met you or Tegan. But, I almost fell in love with a guy."  
"Almost?"  
"Well, I guess I was in love with him. But, it didn't work out in the end. There were just too many forces working against us, one of them being that we were completely wrong for each other."  
"What was his name?"  
"Nick Garcia. We met in college."  
"What did you do when you fell in love with him?"  
"At first I just freaked out. He was my roommate at the time, so I put in for a transfer. Two weeks after we were switched, I realized what an asshole I'd been to him. I went to his room with this huge, expensive flower arrangement and apologized. We were together for a couple years before we went our separate ways."  
"And what about before or after Nick? Did you ever find yourself attracted to men?"  
"Nope. Just Nick."  
"I think that's how it is with you. I've never wanted to be close to a guy romantically or sexually before now. I just can't wrap my brain around it."  
"I think it's just a giant grey area that no one can really define."  
"I agr-" my statement is cut off my the jarring sound of the alarm going off. Shaun reaches over to turn it off and turns back to me, laughing.  
"Oh, god" I say suddenly.  
"What is it?"  
"I just remembered Tegan. She's going to freak out when she finds out about this."  
"Wait… I thought you were Tegan."  
"Shut up doofus. Make yourself useful and help me find my panties."

Later-  
Tegan's P.O.V.

Sara and Shaun are late for sound check, but they're practically useless anyway, joined at the hip and giggling like lunatic hyenas over practically nothing. When it comes time for our 30 minutes of quiet time before the show, they've both disappeared somewhere. No one knows for sure what's going on between them, but I've got a few guesses, and none of them are very pleasant ones.  
Unable to stand the tension in the backstage area a moment longer, I head for the dressing room I'm sharing with Sara for some peace and quiet. As I open the door, I'm visually accosted by the unexpected sight of two people embracing and kissing furiously. At first, I irrationally think its Sara and Shaun, but I quickly realize it's one of our guitar tech guys and the merch girl going at it. Great- just what I wanted to see.  
"Ahem!"  
"Oh, shit. Oh my god. I'm so sorry Tegan we'll leave. Please don't fire me!" they both apologize profusely and leave as fast as possible. Too freaked out to stay in the room, I head for the bathroom. Tears starting to blur my vision, I storm into a small stall and close the latch behind me.  
"Did you hear that?" Sara's voice sounds hushed and slightly scared.  
"Hear what?"  
"I thought someone came in."  
"Hello! Is anyone here?" Shaun's voice echoes through the tiled bathroom. I gasp slightly as the sound of his booming voice and sit on the toilet seat, drawing my feet up from the floor and hugging my knees to my chest.  
"See? It's nothing."  
"How much time do we have?"  
"20 minutes. Relax." I hear them start to make out. Suddenly, Sara gasps quietly.  
"Mmm, Shaun. Your hands feel so good." Shaun moans lightly in response.  
"Hey, we've got to be careful."  
"Why? I want you."  
"We used my only condom back at your room."  
"Oh yeah, shit. I guess this will just have to wait until we can buy some more."  
"Where would we even get those in India?"  
"I have no idea. Do they even sell them here?"  
"I don't know. Maybe Ted or Johnny has one."  
"Fine, do whatever you have to. Just don't tell them we're having sex."  
"So you're sure… you want to keep this a secret?"  
"Yes, especially from Tegan. And you know Johnny and Ted can't keep a secret to save their lives."  
"Why?"  
"I don't know, really. I guess they're just terrible gossips."  
"No, I mean why keep it a secret?"  
"People don't need to know. It's our private business."  
"You're ashamed of me, aren't you? You're embarrassed."  
"Don't be stupid. I just don't want to upset Tegan. She's already under enough stress."  
"Why would she be upset?"  
"I don't know why. I just have a feeling she'd freak out, ok? Everything's so perfect; I just don't want to mess it up."  
"Alright. I won't say anything as long as you don't want me to."  
"Thanks I knew you'd understand. We've got ten minutes, I think we should leave before someone notices we're both gone."  
"One for the road?"  
"Of course." Sara says, and I hear them kiss again. Hearing this is almost too much to bear. Anger courses through me, and I fear it might explode out of my straining lungs. Luckily, I manage to contain the floor of emotions until Sara and Shaun have both left the washroom, at which point I burt into tears, sobbing and hugging my knees as I rock back and forth.  
"Tegan? Tegan are you in here?" The low, familiar voice reaches my red, pulsing ears, and I open my wet eyes slowly.  
"I-I'm in here, Emy." Her halting footsteps stop in front of the stall I'm occupying.  
"What are you doing in here? Don't tell me you're sick again."  
"No…" I hurriedly wipe my eyes and unlatch the stall door. Emy swings it open gingerly and gasps when she sees my red face and swollen eyes.  
"God, what's wrong? Did you and Sara have a fight?"  
"I guess you could say that." I mumble, and let her help me to my feet.  
"We've got five minutes. Why don't you tell me about it?" I start to hesitate, but after splashing some cool water on my face and seeing Emy's calm, sympathetic expression, I spill my guts like a tourist with Delhi Belly.  
"I can't say I didn't see this coming."  
"What?" I cry in alarm at Emy's frankness.  
"Oh, please Tegan. Even you aren't that clueless. Sara's had a crush on Shaun for months. Haven't you seen the way she looks at him? You know, I don't even think she realized herself it until now. And you know Shaun's always had a think for her."  
"Well who the hell doesn't? She's gorgeous and successful and-"  
"Tegan, listen to yourself! Maybe Sara's not the only person dealing with some confusing feelings."  
"I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know what to do."  
"Start by talking things out with Sara." Emy's hand rests on my arm and I turn to smile in thanks and hug her warmly. She exits the bathroom and the smile slides off of my face, leaving behind a dark scowl brushing over my pale features. Oh, I'll be talking things over with Sara, but it won't be any touchy feely heart to heart event. I'm still angry, and I want revenge for how Sara has hurt me- for how little consideration she's had for me and my feelings. I want her to hurt too.


End file.
